Infertility – Kristi P. Powell

When Hope Hurts

I did it again. I worked on my Pintrest nursery board. I mentally counted the months and estimated the due date. I thought through how and when we’d tell our families. I imagined holding a tiny human with my husband’s eyes, listening to infant squeaks. But with familiar pangs in my empty womb came the lance of reality. No baby.

Hope is a beautiful thing, but what if hope becomes an enemy? What if, in this season of life, hope is cruel, risky, and unfulfilled? What do we do when hope hurts?

Hope is a feeling of anticipation and a desire for a certain thing to happen. This anticipation and its appeal is universal. Hope is the central agent of change in storytelling and great epics: Luke to the Rebellion, Frodo to the Fellowship, and Harry to the good wizards and witches.

Hope can affect our bodies as well as our minds. Researchers learned that hope can even alter neurochemistry, mimicking the effects of morphine by releasing endorphins and enkephalins to block pain (Jerome Groopman).

Hope in Scripture

Hope is a central theme of the Bible. In the Old Testament, the word hope is used eighty-eight times (ESV). Many of these passages express the anticipation of the Messiah and the fulfillment of God’s promises to Abraham and the Israelites. Job, a book centered on suffering, uses “hope” twenty-one times, and it appears twenty-eight times in the Psalms, a book in which the psalmist doesn’t shy away from expressing anguish, fear, and joy to God.

In the New Testament, we see the disciples’ hope that Jesus is the Messiah. Peter was one of the first to recognize Jesus was the Christ (Matt. 16:16). He promised to never deny him, and even to die with him (Matt. 26:33-35). Peter’s hope was so utterly crushed after denying Jesus three times, he wept bitterly (Matt. 26:75). Yet on the third day after Jesus’ death, Peter himself ran to the tomb and found it empty. Later Jesus appeared and restored him. Hope kindled. Hope lost. Hope restored. Hope fulfilled.

What do we do when we find ourselves pierced by hope like Peter, left broken and weeping bitterly?

Shift your Hope

In an oft repeated refrain, the psalmist writes,

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.”
Ps. 42:11

When hopes are dashed and all seems the darkest, hope in God. Hope, when placed in God, is an unquenchable beacon in the night. God will not fail us. His faithfulness knows no end. He is unchangeable, all powerful, sovereign, good, and just.

If our ultimate hope is in God and his provision in Christ to cover our sin, our darkest day on earth will be the closest we ever get to hell. Even when we see the whites of the eyes of the enemy and feel him breathing down our neck, we have unshakeable hope. We are in Christ, perfect and complete, made righteous and holy through the blood of the Lamb. Our hope is founded not in this world, but in the eternal Kingdom of God.

Don’t Lose Heart

Do you hope for rest? “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28-30).

Do you hope for peace? “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7).

Do you hope for joy? “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Ps. 16:11).

Do you hope for restoration? “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10).

Do you hope to be rid of your flesh? “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6).

Dear one, do not lose heart. God knows and sees the hope that hurts you. Don’t put your hope in temporary things. Rest in your ultimate hope, the Lord, and bask in the assurance that his hope will never be foiled or disappointed. We will one day be with him.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13

Walking with the Waiting

This is to those in the Church who are walking alongside women who are in seasons of waiting for marriage and/or children. I’ve had women honestly and humbly say, “I’ve never struggled with singleness/infertility. I don’t know how to encourage you”.

The good news is that single and childless women need to hear the same gospel truth the married and mothers need. As believers, we are sisters bound by the Spirit and united in our desperate need for a Savior. However, there are specific ways to encourage these women.

Below I want to share some well-meaning phrases to avoid, and practical encouragements to build up the Body to love single and childless women well.

“God is in Control”

As I have walked through eight years of singleness and currently am struggling with infertility, I hear this phrase a lot. It’s true, but my belief in the sovereignty of God is/was never my struggle. My belief in his character is/was always the root issue.

Really listen to your sister’s heart before you speak. Don’t assume that her experience and struggles are the same as yours. Listen closely to her heart.

Whatever the root of her struggle, pray for your sister’s faith to increase. Encourage her to pray like the man in Mark 9, “I believe! Help my unbelief!”

“You’re trying too hard. Let go and let God”

This was a frustrating, resounding gong the first year we tried to conceive. It tempted me to put my hope in something I could do to control my circumstances.

Your single friend may be thinking about lowering her standards or considering going to another church to find prospective suitors. Your friend struggling with infertility may talk about it a lot, or chart what she eats to her BBT. Encourage her to work in the waiting, but ultimately she must put her trust in the Lord’s ways and timing. Remind her that God values faithfulness and obedience, and that her marital status or if she has children doesn’t determine her value and identity as a daughter of God.

“If you really trust God, this shouldn’t hurt.”

This one was like a gut punch. Please don’t say this to your struggling sister. While feelings cannot be our guides, they are still part of the whole person God created in his image. It is possible to trust in the Lord with all your heart, yet still be pierced by pain, ache, and longing.

In John 11, Jesus’s friend Lazarus died. At the funeral Jesus wept, though he knew he could and would raise the man from the dead. This man of sorrows took time to recognize and join in the appropriate grief of his friend’s death.

One of the kindest, most encouraging thing you can do for your sister is to sit and grieve with them. This may look like crying together in community group, letting her rock your baby, or listening to her talk over coffee. Acknowledge her grief and remind her of 1 Cor. 4:16-17.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
1 Corinthians 4:16-17

“Your Eggs are Dying”

Unless your friend failed Sex Ed, you don’t need to remind her that her fertility window is shortening. She knows. I promise, she knows.

If she’s struggling with this, remind her that the God who created her knows her body and is able to even give Sara a baby in her nineties. In this age, there are many children already born and waiting in orphanages and foster care for a forever family.

With God all things are possible!

Walk with Them

A great way to serve and bless sisters in these seasons is to invite them into your lives. They may not have kids for a playdate, but they can come over for dinner or game night.

Consider them on holidays dedicated to celebrating what they don’t have but deeply desire. Have a girls night around Valentines day. Give her an extra big hug on Mother’s Day.

Share your families with them. While you might be desperate for five minutes of peace, she might love to rock your baby, or get peppered by a million questions while she colors with your kiddos.

Pray for them and let them know you’re praying for them. This has been a great comfort to me in seasons of waiting.

Spur them On

Finally, encourage your sisters to not waste this season. You’ve probably heard “singleness is a gift”, and so can seasons of childlessness, as unwanted as they may be.

Your single sister may need to be spurred on to not wait around for Prince Charming, but to get out there and make use of this special season (or life) for the glory of God.

For sisters struggling with infertility, this time also holds special potential. They may be able to volunteer, serve their local church, and have flexibility and availability that moms don’t have.

Encourage your friend to look at her time and see if there are ways she can be using it for God’s glory, walking in faithfulness, working in the waiting.

What God hasn’t Promised

During seasons of disappointment and struggle, we can take great comfort in the promises of God. He promises salvation through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He promised to do and finish the work of sanctification. He promised to never leave us through the deposit of the Holy Spirit.

However there are some things that aren’t promised in the Bible, specifically marriage and children. If you’re struggling with one of these, or know someone who is, you know the ache and brokenness of these unfulfilled desires.

In the Bible we are told that Jesus, Paul, and others were unmarried. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that marriage divides your affections between your spouse and God, but a single man or woman is only concerned about pleasing God.

There are multiple references to barren women (Sarai, Rebekah, Hannah, Elizabeth), and Prov. 30:16 even describes Sheol (hell) as a barren womb. However every Christian can reproduce spiritual children in making disciples. Paul refers to Timothy as a true child in the faith (1 Tim. 1:2).

Good Desires

Both marriage and children are blessings and good desires. Having a good desire is not a sin, but trying to fulfill that desire outside of God’s good boundaries, we fall into idolatry and sin.

C.S. Lewis said in Screwtape Letters “Never forget that when we are dealing with pleasure in it’s healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the enemy’s ground”. This fictional demon communicates to his underling an important truth: Satan can’t create pleasure and joy in and of himself, he can only twist God-given desires and pleasures.

Porn and adultery twists the pleasure and intimacy of sex created for marriage. Gluttony morphs enjoying God-given food with God-created tastebuds into worshipping our stomach. Making a spouse and/or children an idol twists these good gifts into destructors of our souls.

**What God has Promised**

Whenever anger begins to seep into our thoughts and prayers about an unfulfilled desire, we must immediately reevaluate our hearts. Anger and discontentment are a symptoms that our joy comes not from Christ, but from the things we expect him to give us.

If we desire a spouse or child more than God, we are idolators. Our hope must be fully and firmly planted in Christ Jesus. On our darkest, hardest days, we can fling all my weight on this promise of God:

“Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Romans 10:9

This is must be our ultimate anchor. This promise is sure and beautiful. Because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, I am saved from my sin and will spend eternity in a resurrected, sinless body with God.

We are also promised everything we need to holy and walk in faithfulness. What a gift!

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.
2 Peter 1:3-4

Some may not marry. Some may remain childless. But there is coming a day when we will pass into the glory of God in the blink of an eye, and this light momentary suffering will fall away in the beautiful weight of glory that awaits those who follow Jesus (2 Cor. 4:16-18).

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