faithfulness – Kristi P. Powell

Return to Sender

Can I have a different trial, please?

Have you ever prayed this way? I have. When I’m in the middle of a difficulty, it’s tempting to look at someone else’s situation. I know their life isn’t perfect, but their trials look more appealing than mine. I want to exchange my trial with the receipt the way I’d return an ill-fitting piece of clothing.

By the grace of God, that’s not how it works.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4

This is an oft-quoted verse to those experiencing suffering and trials. I memorized it in high school, and sometimes the eyes of my heart would roll. Could I really tell someone with cancer, a woman who lost a child, or a girl who had been abused, to count it all joy?

I’m thankful the Lord deepened my faith and understanding of these verses. I was a skeptic because I believed that joy is only attainable through good circumstances. This cannot be farther from the truth.

Joy Amid Suffering

Finding joy in the midst of a trial isn’t our natural inclination. James 1:2-4 commands us to count it all joy when we suffer, but it also gives us the reason for why we can count it all joy.

For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
James 1:3

Steadfastness is a steadiness, grit, and faithfulness that comes from weathering trials and suffering in a sin-broken world. What does steadfastness lead us to?

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:4

The end result of steadfastness is being made perfect, set apart and holy. God promises that one day our sanctification will be complete, and we will no longer be riddled by sin and brokenness. We will be like Jesus, but not before we join him in eternity. This is a sweet promise. God will finish the work he began in us (Phil. 1:6).

Genuine Faith

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:6-7

Peter tells us that because we are born again to a living hope (1 Peter 1:3), we rejoice, despite the grievous trials we face. God tells us that the end result of trials, genuine faith, is more precious than gold.

Later in James, we read that a man or woman without faith is like a wave on the sea, driven by the wind (James 1:6). A wave is dependent on outside forces to shape and drive it. Through trials and suffering, God develops faith and strength that aren’t dependent on things going on around us but are fixed on the solid and unchanging promises of God.

In the end, only God knows exactly how he is shaping us in our suffering and trials. Just because someone else’s trial ended when they reached a certain point or had a certain realization, doesn’t mean ours will. God loves us too much to leave us in sin and complacency. He works in every trial and triumph to fix our eyes on him, root out sin, and grow our faith.

Press On

Sister, if you are suffering or find yourself in a dark trial, I urge you to fight for joy. Not because of your circumstances, but because this specific, light, momentary trial is preparing you for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Cor. 4:17). God is working even when you can’t see it. He is refining and sanctifying you for your good and his glory. Trust your Creator.

He sees you. He loves you. He is with you.

*If someone is abusing or harming you, you don’t have to go on without help or a way out. Reach out to a godly friend or a pastor for support and counsel.

When Hope Hurts

I did it again. I worked on my Pintrest nursery board. I mentally counted the months and estimated the due date. I thought through how and when we’d tell our families. I imagined holding a tiny human with my husband’s eyes, listening to infant squeaks. But with familiar pangs in my empty womb came the lance of reality. No baby.

Hope is a beautiful thing, but what if hope becomes an enemy? What if, in this season of life, hope is cruel, risky, and unfulfilled? What do we do when hope hurts?

Hope is a feeling of anticipation and a desire for a certain thing to happen. This anticipation and its appeal is universal. Hope is the central agent of change in storytelling and great epics: Luke to the Rebellion, Frodo to the Fellowship, and Harry to the good wizards and witches.

Hope can affect our bodies as well as our minds. Researchers learned that hope can even alter neurochemistry, mimicking the effects of morphine by releasing endorphins and enkephalins to block pain (Jerome Groopman).

Hope in Scripture

Hope is a central theme of the Bible. In the Old Testament, the word hope is used eighty-eight times (ESV). Many of these passages express the anticipation of the Messiah and the fulfillment of God’s promises to Abraham and the Israelites. Job, a book centered on suffering, uses “hope” twenty-one times, and it appears twenty-eight times in the Psalms, a book in which the psalmist doesn’t shy away from expressing anguish, fear, and joy to God.

In the New Testament, we see the disciples’ hope that Jesus is the Messiah. Peter was one of the first to recognize Jesus was the Christ (Matt. 16:16). He promised to never deny him, and even to die with him (Matt. 26:33-35). Peter’s hope was so utterly crushed after denying Jesus three times, he wept bitterly (Matt. 26:75). Yet on the third day after Jesus’ death, Peter himself ran to the tomb and found it empty. Later Jesus appeared and restored him. Hope kindled. Hope lost. Hope restored. Hope fulfilled.

What do we do when we find ourselves pierced by hope like Peter, left broken and weeping bitterly?

Shift your Hope

In an oft repeated refrain, the psalmist writes,

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.”
Ps. 42:11

When hopes are dashed and all seems the darkest, hope in God. Hope, when placed in God, is an unquenchable beacon in the night. God will not fail us. His faithfulness knows no end. He is unchangeable, all powerful, sovereign, good, and just.

If our ultimate hope is in God and his provision in Christ to cover our sin, our darkest day on earth will be the closest we ever get to hell. Even when we see the whites of the eyes of the enemy and feel him breathing down our neck, we have unshakeable hope. We are in Christ, perfect and complete, made righteous and holy through the blood of the Lamb. Our hope is founded not in this world, but in the eternal Kingdom of God.

Don’t Lose Heart

Do you hope for rest? “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28-30).

Do you hope for peace? “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7).

Do you hope for joy? “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Ps. 16:11).

Do you hope for restoration? “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10).

Do you hope to be rid of your flesh? “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6).

Dear one, do not lose heart. God knows and sees the hope that hurts you. Don’t put your hope in temporary things. Rest in your ultimate hope, the Lord, and bask in the assurance that his hope will never be foiled or disappointed. We will one day be with him.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13

Walking with the Waiting

This is to those in the Church who are walking alongside women who are in seasons of waiting for marriage and/or children. I’ve had women honestly and humbly say, “I’ve never struggled with singleness/infertility. I don’t know how to encourage you”.

The good news is that single and childless women need to hear the same gospel truth the married and mothers need. As believers, we are sisters bound by the Spirit and united in our desperate need for a Savior. However, there are specific ways to encourage these women.

Below I want to share some well-meaning phrases to avoid, and practical encouragements to build up the Body to love single and childless women well.

“God is in Control”

As I have walked through eight years of singleness and currently am struggling with infertility, I hear this phrase a lot. It’s true, but my belief in the sovereignty of God is/was never my struggle. My belief in his character is/was always the root issue.

Really listen to your sister’s heart before you speak. Don’t assume that her experience and struggles are the same as yours. Listen closely to her heart.

Whatever the root of her struggle, pray for your sister’s faith to increase. Encourage her to pray like the man in Mark 9, “I believe! Help my unbelief!”

“You’re trying too hard. Let go and let God”

This was a frustrating, resounding gong the first year we tried to conceive. It tempted me to put my hope in something I could do to control my circumstances.

Your single friend may be thinking about lowering her standards or considering going to another church to find prospective suitors. Your friend struggling with infertility may talk about it a lot, or chart what she eats to her BBT. Encourage her to work in the waiting, but ultimately she must put her trust in the Lord’s ways and timing. Remind her that God values faithfulness and obedience, and that her marital status or if she has children doesn’t determine her value and identity as a daughter of God.

“If you really trust God, this shouldn’t hurt.”

This one was like a gut punch. Please don’t say this to your struggling sister. While feelings cannot be our guides, they are still part of the whole person God created in his image. It is possible to trust in the Lord with all your heart, yet still be pierced by pain, ache, and longing.

In John 11, Jesus’s friend Lazarus died. At the funeral Jesus wept, though he knew he could and would raise the man from the dead. This man of sorrows took time to recognize and join in the appropriate grief of his friend’s death.

One of the kindest, most encouraging thing you can do for your sister is to sit and grieve with them. This may look like crying together in community group, letting her rock your baby, or listening to her talk over coffee. Acknowledge her grief and remind her of 1 Cor. 4:16-17.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
1 Corinthians 4:16-17

“Your Eggs are Dying”

Unless your friend failed Sex Ed, you don’t need to remind her that her fertility window is shortening. She knows. I promise, she knows.

If she’s struggling with this, remind her that the God who created her knows her body and is able to even give Sara a baby in her nineties. In this age, there are many children already born and waiting in orphanages and foster care for a forever family.

With God all things are possible!

Walk with Them

A great way to serve and bless sisters in these seasons is to invite them into your lives. They may not have kids for a playdate, but they can come over for dinner or game night.

Consider them on holidays dedicated to celebrating what they don’t have but deeply desire. Have a girls night around Valentines day. Give her an extra big hug on Mother’s Day.

Share your families with them. While you might be desperate for five minutes of peace, she might love to rock your baby, or get peppered by a million questions while she colors with your kiddos.

Pray for them and let them know you’re praying for them. This has been a great comfort to me in seasons of waiting.

Spur them On

Finally, encourage your sisters to not waste this season. You’ve probably heard “singleness is a gift”, and so can seasons of childlessness, as unwanted as they may be.

Your single sister may need to be spurred on to not wait around for Prince Charming, but to get out there and make use of this special season (or life) for the glory of God.

For sisters struggling with infertility, this time also holds special potential. They may be able to volunteer, serve their local church, and have flexibility and availability that moms don’t have.

Encourage your friend to look at her time and see if there are ways she can be using it for God’s glory, walking in faithfulness, working in the waiting.

Pit of Despair – Part 1

Anxiety. Even typing that word sends my stomach roiling. The mind racing, faith numbing, heart pounding monster. It brings waves of heat and shivers of cold. It lurks in the dark places of the heart, whispering urgency behind every fear.

I scoffed at it before, deeming those who struggled with this beast as weak in the faith. If only they prayed more or believed the gospel more fervently, their fears would melt away. But I didn’t understand it. I didn’t grasp the complete physicality of its grip, the terror of the mind and flesh that it sprung. I look back and hang my head. What callousness, what unkindness my words of advice must have been. I didn’t understand.

I descended in my pit of despair soon after I got back to America. I spent two years overseas and when I got back to the States, I felt completely out of place. My heart was in Africa, but my body was firmly planted in the arctic cold of a Minnesotan winter. I stayed with my family and struggled to keep my anxiety hidden. I wasn’t supposed to be afraid or sad. I was supposed to be happy! I should feel “normal” here, but I didn’t.

The monster ate away at me from the inside out. It began with an occasional racing pulse. I took deep breaths and went on. Things got worse. I couldn’t sleep. I dreaded the night because there was nothing to divert my thoughts. I fought for breath against my ever tightening chest. My mind raced and nothing would calm it. I’d lay in bed, listening to soothing music, willing my mind and body to relax. But no. I shook. I wept. Something was terribly wrong.

But what? Nothing was really wrong. Nothing bad had happened. No one had hurt me nor had I lived through a traumatic event. When people asked what I was anxious about, I had no words. I honestly didn’t know. The monster continued to stalk me.

I read my Bible. I devoured it. I spent hours reading. But the words didn’t make the anxiety go away. It worsened it. I’d read and feel nothing. My faith was numb. When I prayed, all I heard was static. I cried for help and heard nothing from God. I wept in prayer. I read David’s psalms through tear blurred eyes, begging for God to come and aid me. I thought I was going crazy. I had an annual physical, but didn’t go into details with my doctor on the extent of my issues. I didn’t want anti-anxiety medication to lull me into a daze. The feelings were drowning me, but I knew that if I didn’t face this now, it would only return later. I couldn’t even sing anymore. I sat in church and wept. And still. He didn’t relent.

God broke me. He shattered me into a thousand pieces. I had nothing to offer. My uncontrollable trembling hands were empty. Absolutely empty. And today, by his grace, I praise him for that dark valley. It was his great mercy that he tore down my idols of control, self-righteousness, and fear of man. And he taught me a priceless lesson.

In the suffering, he is there.

When I couldn’t speak, he was there. When I couldn’t sleep, he was there. When I couldn’t breathe, he was there. When I couldn’t believe, he was there. When I begged for him to relent and the anxiety persisted, he was there.

God gathered up all the shattered pieces and painstakingly pieced me back together. It took time. It took prayer. It took a lot of tears. One of my roommates, a remarkable woman of the faith, wept with me every night for a season, praying scripture, begging God to relent. God heard those prayers and answered them in his own perfect time. I went through counseling. I pressed into the community in my church and found support and accountability. In his perfect time and way, God relented.

I still struggle with anxiety. Sometimes it’s tied to anxious thoughts, but mostly it springs on me as I’m drifting off to sleep, jolting me awake. God is still working on me. Thank the Lord!

Psalms 16 was one of the passages of scripture that I read a lot in the pit. Every verse is full of rich, beautiful truths, but the first two verses sustained me.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” Psalms 16:1-2

I prayed this countless times. I have no good apart from you. At the time it certainly didn’t feel true, but in the measure of grace God gave me, I was able to pray this in faith. I clung to this truth when my own mind and body were in tumult. He was there, and his words are true.