fear – Kristi P. Powell

When Stranger Things became somewhat of a cultural phenomenon, I broke my no horror rule and watched it. The first season was torture. Every little glimpse of the monster had me on the edge of my seat. I had nightmares a few times and stopped watching it before I went to bed. It was killing me that I didn’t know what the monster was. “Just tell me!” I begged my husband, who had already finished the season. “If I know what the monster is I can handle it!”

I felt the same way about anxiety. If I could see it, examine it, understand it, I could get over it. However the more I probed it, the greater my anxiety grew. I didn’t understand this monster and it terrified me. I’m not alone. Women seem to especially struggle with worry and anxiety. What does God have to say to women who are stalked by this beast?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” Matthew 6:25-27

However when I was gripped by anxiety, it seemed God was simply saying in these verses, “Don’t feel this way”. That is far from the truth! God doesn’t want us to be anxious and worried. He wants us to be dependent on him for all things and walk in joy, no matter our circumstances. Below are some nuts and bolts of leaning on God as we struggle with anxiety.

Lament and Turn

I loved the Psalms since I was a little girl, but anxiety caused me to mine from their depths deep, raw truths. David faced much pain in his life, and his psalms of lament are full of emotion, raw, and unfiltered.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? Psalms 13:2-3

I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes. Psalms 6:6-7

I could honestly pray these psalms word for word. I was right there with David in the pit. But his eyes were turned upwards. After confessing his pain, confusion, and suffering, the Psalmist reaffirms his faith in God’s character and deliverance.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me. Psalms 13:5-6

When we’re in the throes of anxiety, God doesn’t want us to pretend everything is ok. We can cry out to him and confess our weakness, frustration, and pleas for help. However, don’t camp out at lament. Turn to God and read his promises. His words may not feel true in that moment, but ask for faith to believe and trust that they are true.

Don’t follow your heart

Anxiety is physical. The heart racing, limb trembling, chest tightening, chill wracking beast can leap on you in the matter of second. As a woman who is wired to process things first by feeling, anxiety wrecked my baseline.

Looking back, I see God’s mercy. I relied on myself for far too long. Through anxiety, he taught me that we cannot make feelings the plumb line for our lives. Only God and his Word have that authority in the life of a believer! No matter what we feel, God’s Word is true. He’s always faithful. Read God’s promises. Memorize them. Sing them. Weep them. Plea with them. They may feel far off, but they are true. God is true to his Word and he never fails, even when we do (Psalms 73:26).

Flee to the Cross

In the end, allowing our thoughts dwell on worry and fear is a sin like any other. We are all fallen creatures, unable to attain the righteousness God requires. We’ve all fallen into the pit, stale dry bones, unable to raise ourselves out. Yet God does not leave us there. He comes down into the pit to bring us out. He breathes life into us, takes us in, mends us, restores us, and makes us his daughters. Oh, sweet, beautiful truth! We need not despair when we find ourselves wrestling with our darkest monsters. Our God is a warrior king! He sent Jesus Christ to destroy the serpent, the evil one who coaxed the rotting carcass of sin into this world. He crushes our sin through the power of his Spirit, and we are free to walk in newness of life! Amen!

In his presence

In the midst of a panic attack, my mom held me tight and rocked me like I was a child again. “You won’t feel this way forever.” She whispered. She was right, and God gives an even greater promise.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalms 16:11

Because we are daughters of God, we are given the Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13). We are in the presence of God every moment because of this remarkable gift. In God’s presence there is fullness of joy. Does your heart swell like mine when you read that? We find fullness of joy in the midst of life’s most difficult circumstances because God is with us. Praise him!

Resources:

https://erlc.com/resource-library/articles/learning-to-lament-4-lessons-from-psalms https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/your-emotions-are-a-gauge-not-a-guide

Anxiety. Even typing that word sends my stomach roiling. The mind racing, faith numbing, heart pounding monster. It brings waves of heat and shivers of cold. It lurks in the dark places of the heart, whispering urgency behind every fear.

I scoffed at it before, deeming those who struggled with this beast as weak in the faith. If only they prayed more or believed the gospel more fervently, their fears would melt away. But I didn’t understand it. I didn’t grasp the complete physicality of its grip, the terror of the mind and flesh that it sprung. I look back and hang my head. What callousness, what unkindness my words of advice must have been. I didn’t understand.

I descended in my pit of despair soon after I got back to America. I spent two years overseas and when I got back to the States, I felt completely out of place. My heart was in Africa, but my body was firmly planted in the arctic cold of a Minnesotan winter. I stayed with my family and struggled to keep my anxiety hidden. I wasn’t supposed to be afraid or sad. I was supposed to be happy! I should feel “normal” here, but I didn’t.

The monster ate away at me from the inside out. It began with an occasional racing pulse. I took deep breaths and went on. Things got worse. I couldn’t sleep. I dreaded the night because there was nothing to divert my thoughts. I fought for breath against my ever tightening chest. My mind raced and nothing would calm it. I’d lay in bed, listening to soothing music, willing my mind and body to relax. But no. I shook. I wept. Something was terribly wrong.

But what? Nothing was really wrong. Nothing bad had happened. No one had hurt me nor had I lived through a traumatic event. When people asked what I was anxious about, I had no words. I honestly didn’t know. The monster continued to stalk me.

I read my Bible. I devoured it. I spent hours reading. But the words didn’t make the anxiety go away. It worsened it. I’d read and feel nothing. My faith was numb. When I prayed, all I heard was static. I cried for help and heard nothing from God. I wept in prayer. I read David’s psalms through tear blurred eyes, begging for God to come and aid me. I thought I was going crazy. I had an annual physical, but didn’t go into details with my doctor on the extent of my issues. I didn’t want anti-anxiety medication to lull me into a daze. The feelings were drowning me, but I knew that if I didn’t face this now, it would only return later. I couldn’t even sing anymore. I sat in church and wept. And still. He didn’t relent.

God broke me. He shattered me into a thousand pieces. I had nothing to offer. My uncontrollable trembling hands were empty. Absolutely empty. And today, by his grace, I praise him for that dark valley. It was his great mercy that he tore down my idols of control, self-righteousness, and fear of man. And he taught me a priceless lesson.

In the suffering, he is there.

When I couldn’t speak, he was there. When I couldn’t sleep, he was there. When I couldn’t breathe, he was there. When I couldn’t believe, he was there. When I begged for him to relent and the anxiety persisted, he was there.

God gathered up all the shattered pieces and painstakingly pieced me back together. It took time. It took prayer. It took a lot of tears. One of my roommates, a remarkable woman of the faith, wept with me every night for a season, praying scripture, begging God to relent. God heard those prayers and answered them in his own perfect time. I went through counseling. I pressed into the community in my church and found support and accountability. In his perfect time and way, God relented.

I still struggle with anxiety. Sometimes it’s tied to anxious thoughts, but mostly it springs on me as I’m drifting off to sleep, jolting me awake. God is still working on me. Thank the Lord!

Psalms 16 was one of the passages of scripture that I read a lot in the pit. Every verse is full of rich, beautiful truths, but the first two verses sustained me.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” Psalms 16:1-2

I prayed this countless times. I have no good apart from you. At the time it certainly didn’t feel true, but in the measure of grace God gave me, I was able to pray this in faith. I clung to this truth when my own mind and body were in tumult. He was there, and his words are true.

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The Pit of Despair – Part 2