This is to those in the Church who are walking alongside women who are in seasons of waiting for marriage and/or children. I’ve had women honestly and humbly say, “I’ve never struggled with singleness/infertility. I don’t know how to encourage you”.
The good news is that single and childless women need to hear the same gospel truth the married and mothers need. As believers, we are sisters bound by the Spirit and united in our desperate need for a Savior. However, there are specific ways to encourage these women.
Below I want to share some well-meaning phrases to avoid, and practical encouragements to build up the Body to love single and childless women well.
“God is in Control”
As I have walked through eight years of singleness and currently am struggling with infertility, I hear this phrase a lot. It’s true, but my belief in the sovereignty of God is/was never my struggle. My belief in his character is/was always the root issue.
Really listen to your sister’s heart before you speak. Don’t assume that her experience and struggles are the same as yours. Listen closely to her heart.
Whatever the root of her struggle, pray for your sister’s faith to increase. Encourage her to pray like the man in Mark 9, “I believe! Help my unbelief!”
“You’re trying too hard. Let go and let God”
This was a frustrating, resounding gong the first year we tried to conceive. It tempted me to put my hope in something I could do to control my circumstances.
Your single friend may be thinking about lowering her standards or considering going to another church to find prospective suitors. Your friend struggling with infertility may talk about it a lot, or chart what she eats to her BBT. Encourage her to work in the waiting, but ultimately she must put her trust in the Lord’s ways and timing. Remind her that God values faithfulness and obedience, and that her marital status or if she has children doesn’t determine her value and identity as a daughter of God.
“If you really trust God, this shouldn’t hurt.”
This one was like a gut punch. Please don’t say this to your struggling sister. While feelings cannot be our guides, they are still part of the whole person God created in his image. It is possible to trust in the Lord with all your heart, yet still be pierced by pain, ache, and longing.
In John 11, Jesus’s friend Lazarus died. At the funeral Jesus wept, though he knew he could and would raise the man from the dead. This man of sorrows took time to recognize and join in the appropriate grief of his friend’s death.
One of the kindest, most encouraging thing you can do for your sister is to sit and grieve with them. This may look like crying together in community group, letting her rock your baby, or listening to her talk over coffee. Acknowledge her grief and remind her of 1 Cor. 4:16-17.
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
1 Corinthians 4:16-17
“Your Eggs are Dying”
Unless your friend failed Sex Ed, you don’t need to remind her that her fertility window is shortening. She knows. I promise, she knows.
If she’s struggling with this, remind her that the God who created her knows her body and is able to even give Sara a baby in her nineties. In this age, there are many children already born and waiting in orphanages and foster care for a forever family.
With God all things are possible!
Walk with Them
A great way to serve and bless sisters in these seasons is to invite them into your lives. They may not have kids for a playdate, but they can come over for dinner or game night.
Consider them on holidays dedicated to celebrating what they don’t have but deeply desire. Have a girls night around Valentines day. Give her an extra big hug on Mother’s Day.
Share your families with them. While you might be desperate for five minutes of peace, she might love to rock your baby, or get peppered by a million questions while she colors with your kiddos.
Pray for them and let them know you’re praying for them. This has been a great comfort to me in seasons of waiting.
Spur them On
Finally, encourage your sisters to not waste this season. You’ve probably heard “singleness is a gift”, and so can seasons of childlessness, as unwanted as they may be.
Your single sister may need to be spurred on to not wait around for Prince Charming, but to get out there and make use of this special season (or life) for the glory of God.
For sisters struggling with infertility, this time also holds special potential. They may be able to volunteer, serve their local church, and have flexibility and availability that moms don’t have.
Encourage your friend to look at her time and see if there are ways she can be using it for God’s glory, walking in faithfulness, working in the waiting.
Kristi P. Powell 